Qin Qingyan: You Don’t Care About Me
Press it? Or not?
Bai Ruo knew this was the same as choosing whether to forgive Li Xian. Feeling the stiffness in the other woman’s hands, she knew Li Xian was waiting for the answer too.
Bai Ruo’s hands slowed. She actually didn’t want to forgive Li Xian. During the years Li Xian had been away, she had thrown herself into filming and endorsements, working day and night. Only when she stayed busy could she feel nothing.
On countless sleepless nights, she had wanted to call Li Xian more than once; just as many times, she had cursed herself awake. At one point, she even wondered if she really was that worthless—so worthless she didn’t even deserve love.
But Bai Ruo also knew she hadn’t truly let Li Xian go. Several years of real feelings couldn’t be discarded so easily. She had only gone numb, accepted it, denied it.
On the sofa, she saw Qin Qingyan leaning against Yan Yue as if asleep. The way the two of them nestled together made people envious.
Did the person by her side have to be Li Xian? Couldn’t it be someone else?
Countless faces flashed through Bai Ruo’s mind, changing over and over; in the end, what remained was still that familiar face she had once longed for.
Li Xian felt the pressure on her shoulder grow heavier. The owner of those hands had snapped back to attention, but was still kneading her shoulder.
At that moment, Li Xian’s eyes stung. She let out a slow breath.
That night, just before bed, Qin Qingyan brought over a basin of water and set it by Yan Yue’s feet. Then she crouched in front of her, as if she were truly going to wash her feet.
Qin Qingyan tested the water temperature; it was just right.
She rolled up the loose cuffs of Yan Yue’s pajama pants and carefully washed her feet.
“You still haven’t fully recovered from your cold. It doesn’t have to be today,” Yan Yue said.
Qin Qingyan smiled. “The fever’s gone; I stopped feeling dizzy ages ago.”
“You weren’t dizzy, and you still leaned on me for more than half an hour?”
Qin Qingyan looked up at her with a plaintive expression. “That was because I was tired. There’s been a lot of fight scenes lately; it takes a lot out of me. I’ve even lost weight.”
“Li Xian’s words make sense to me. You don’t have to keep running back and forth like this. Can’t you video call? Or come back once a month would be enough.”
Qin Qingyan looked up at her, hurt.
“Then once a week is fine,” Yan Yue relented.
“No.” Qin Qingyan lowered her head and kept washing Yan Yue’s feet, muttering, “Even once a day feels too little to me. It’s best when we’re together every day.”
Neither of them spoke after that. The bedroom was left with only the soft sound of water.
Yan Yue looked at her own feet as Qin Qingyan handled them. She didn’t know whether the water was warm or cold, or whether Qin Qingyan’s touch was light or heavy.
At that moment, Yan Yue stared at Qin Qingyan as if she were watching her wash someone else’s feet; silent, and deeply intent.
Qin Qingyan seemed to sense it and didn’t dare lift her head to meet Yan Yue’s eyes. On those nights when she wasn’t there, she knew Yan Yue must have tried countless times to stand, only to fall again and again.
She could even feel Yan Yue’s disgust toward her own crippled body at that time.
Qin Qingyan wiped with painstaking care.
“It’s only been a few months. If we wait a little longer, there’ll definitely be changes. We’ll take it slowly.” Her tone was a little too forceful, as if she were trying to sound more energetic.
After a moment, Yan Yue said softly, “Qin Qingyan, if it lasts a lifetime... you don’t need to stay with just me.”
She had already made peace with the worst possible outcome and was slowly trying to live with it, no longer resisting. Given enough time, maybe she would be able to accept that version of herself.
But she could not accept Qin Qingyan. Qin Qingyan still had a brilliant life ahead of her; the wheelchair was enough to bind her. No one else needed to bear the cost of her suffering.
As if she hadn’t heard it at all, Qin Qingyan kept washing her feet. After a long while, a low voice finally came from her: “Heartless woman.”
Her tone was faintly muffled, sounding wronged and at a loss.
Qin Qingyan looked up. Yan Yue immediately looked away toward the window, the corners of her eyes slightly red.
“Yan Yue, am I important to you?”
This was the first time she had asked Yan Yue so directly, leaving Yan Yue nowhere to hide.
Yan Yue slowly looked back at her.
Important. That was the first answer that surged up from Yan Yue’s heart. She was willing to spend her whole life with Qin Qingyan, willing to give herself to her completely, willing to offer all her trust without reservation. Of course someone like that was important.
“Very important.”
Qin Qingyan smiled brightly. “You are too. So don’t keep pushing me away. I like everything about you, the good and the bad; I like you completely. I’ll like you at thirty, at fifty, and when you’re old and your teeth have fallen out, I’ll still like you. You can relax and trust me.”
Those words made Yan Yue feel as if all her worries had been seen through by Qin Qingyan. She had used vague, intangible things to shield herself, to protect herself; yet when all of that faded away, Qin Qingyan had been behind her all along.
Only one bedside lamp was left on in the room, casting a soft orange light that didn’t hurt the eyes.
The two of them lay in bed, wrapped around each other, sharing one pillow.
Qin Qingyan held Yan Yue’s shoulders tightly, her chin resting against Yan Yue’s forehead. Breathing in the faint scent of her hair, the smile at the corner of her mouth refused to fade.
Having Yan Yue sleep so docilely in her arms was a peak in life that could never be repeated.
Her head felt hot and swollen; maybe her cold still hadn’t fully cleared, maybe she was too excited. In any case, she felt no sleepiness at all.
She quietly turned to look at Yan Yue. The other woman had her eyes closed, but probably wasn’t fully asleep. Qin Qingyan looked and looked; her gaze moved from her eyes to her nose, then to her lips, and lower still...
Qin Qingyan blinked hard and hurriedly looked away. She couldn’t keep staring now; if she kept looking and fanning the flames, the one who’d suffer would only be her.
The fingers on her chest moved slightly, bringing a faint itch. Qin Qingyan swallowed and looked at the long, beautiful hand in front of her. It was so nice-looking. Then, for some reason, her breathing suddenly turned rough and hot.
“Qin Qingyan,” Yan Yue said softly, “go to sleep.”
“I can’t.” Her voice was low and hoarse.
Yan Yue slowly opened her eyes and, seeing the pale skin at Qin Qingyan’s neck, asked softly, “Heartless woman... what does that mean?”
Qin Qingyan remembered what she had said while washing Yan Yue’s feet and explained with a serious expression, “Sleeping with me and not wanting to take responsibility; if that’s not a heartless woman, what is?”
That did make sense.
Yan Yue lifted her head, reached out to touch Qin Qingyan’s face, turned toward her, and smiled as she leaned in to give her a gentle kiss. Then she lay back down again, nestling against her neck. After rubbing lightly against her and finding a comfortable position, she closed her eyes and went back to sleep.
Qin Qingyan didn’t dare move. Now she was even less able to sleep.
She let out a long sigh and simply stayed awake, staring at the ceiling while going over things in her mind again and again.
Then she thought of something.
She rarely used her phone, so yesterday, after chatting with Yu Shuran, she hadn’t exited the conversation. And Yan Yue had used her phone to make a call—did that mean she’d seen the chat log too?
Qin Qingyan jolted.
She looked at Yan Yue. Yan Yue definitely hadn’t fallen asleep yet; should she explain now?
She opened her mouth, but didn’t know how to say it. Still, she had to explain as soon as possible; the longer she dragged it out, the worse it would get.
Clearing her throat, she called softly, “Yan Yue?”
Sure enough, the other woman wasn’t asleep. “Mm?”
“I have something I want to tell you.”
“What is it?” Her tone was unhurried.
Her breath brushed against Qin Qingyan’s neck, ticklish.
“When you were making that call... did you see it?” Qin Qingyan asked carefully.
Yan Yue understood what she meant. She opened her eyes for a moment, then closed them again. “Is there anything I shouldn’t see?”
“Of course not. You can check up on me anytime.” Qin Qingyan immediately declared, “I just think I should still report it.”
Yan Yue chuckled softly. “Oh, I know, Teacher Qin. Go to sleep.”
Qin Qingyan was dissatisfied. “You really don’t care at all?”
She had been worried Yan Yue might overthink it; she hadn’t expected Yan Yue to not care even a little, and that somehow made Qin Qingyan feel oddly blocked up inside.
“You want me to care?” Yan Yue asked.
“Isn’t that usually how it goes?” Qin Qingyan mumbled. “Who wouldn’t be interested in whether their girlfriend was chatting with another woman? That’d be strange.”
“I’m not uninterested. I finished reading it.” Yan Yue’s drowsiness was catching up. She felt that Qin Qingyan right now was a little too noisy.
“And you still don’t care.”
Yan Yue reached under Qin Qingyan’s waist, pinched a bit of flesh, and twisted it lightly. “Qin Qingyan, I’m sleepy.”
“Deflecting.”
“Fine, then why couldn’t you two talk during the day? Why did you have to talk in the middle of the night... why did you have to tell her what ‘expression’ means... you two...” Half-asleep, Yan Yue was following her drowsy thoughts, and even she didn’t know what she was saying anymore.
Qin Qingyan only caught the first few sentences clearly. The rest were blurred and indistinct, but that was enough to leave her thoroughly satisfied.
Before long, Yan Yue’s breathing evened out, warm and steady against Qin Qingyan’s neck.
Qin Qingyan carefully turned onto her side, adjusted her position, placed Yan Yue’s hand around her waist, and held her completely in her arms. Breathing in the scent that soothed her, she gradually fell asleep.
Early the next morning, Bai Ruo sat on the sofa with a book in her hands, looking as if she held a grudge against the whole world. Su Yan came out stretching and saw someone sitting there; she woke up instantly.
“Early morning, and this is rare. Are you planning to make us a loving, nutritious breakfast?” Su Yan leaned over to take a look.
“Union Medical College expert... Pregnancy and Postpartum Encyclopedia?!” Su Yan exclaimed. “Bai Ruo, mmph!”
Bai Ruo clamped a hand over her mouth and hurriedly glanced toward a tightly closed door. “Could you not shout? It’s early morning; don’t disturb people.”
Su Yan nodded, and only then did Bai Ruo let go.
“You care about Li Xian. If Li Xian knew, she’d be over the moon. This is more useful than any book; theory can’t beat practice, and practice is the only way to learn the truth, got it?” Su Yan said in a low voice.
Bai Ruo looked a little awkward, turned her face away, then raised an eyebrow at Su Yan. “How, exactly, do you practice?”
Su Yan immediately brightened and hurried over to sit beside Bai Ruo.
She might not have fought on the front lines of romance, but she was definitely a strategist who could win from a thousand miles away. Just look at those hundred-odd crew members on a film set; she had managed to pair off several couples. Without real ability, that would have been impossible.
The two of them leaned close, heads together, like they were plotting something.
“Right now, you’ve got the initiative. If you say one, Li Xian definitely won’t dare say two. Bring some aura to this; this is the crucial moment that decides your status in the relationship.” Su Yan said expertly, “Every now and then, you should show her a little concern, keep her hanging, you know? That push-and-pull is the most intoxicating thing. In less than three days—no, two days—sharing a bed and a pillow won’t be a dream anymore.”
Bai Ruo looked at Su Yan as if she were a complete stranger. Why did Su Yan sound like she’d played all sorts of tricks on countless innocent young men and women?
“We may understand this differently,” Bai Ruo said.
“How is it different?”
Bai Ruo said, “You should save all this for when you use it yourself someday.”
“You don’t have the slightest gift for this,” Su Yan said unhappily. “Serves you right for being the one on the bottom. You’ll be lying there for the rest of your life.”
“You—”
Bai Ruo suddenly stopped and met Li Xian’s eyes.
When had she come out? Why hadn’t she made a single sound?
More importantly, how much had she heard?